Embracing Contentment — Understanding the Guilt of Happiness
This is going to be a very short piece as it is a spur of the moment piece and I want to spend as little time writing and editing as possible.
It is the 27th of March, 2022, and as I sit here on this beautifully warm Sunday night, the calmness of my mind has allowed me to reflect on everything that has led to this rare moment of contentment. It is a feeling that has spent time with me on occasion all to sparsely, and is something I wish to be in the presence of more often. However, life and awareness prohibits that from happening, but it is on nights like these that I can truly enjoy my current state of mind, life, and standing.
Due to this being a fleeting and isolated moment that has an intensely specific essence tied to it, it would be an injustice for me to not try and capture it in a way that I have always found best to articulate myself to do this feeling the most justice, that being in text format.
Retaining this moment will last for however long I can remain in this state which I fear to not be for to long as guilt is stirring in the back of my mind. The guilt is lingering because of imposter syndrome on the personal level, and guilt of being happy in how I’m working damn hard and smart at making my life better while humanitarian crisis are rife and abundant only hours away.
So by squashing this guilt and being unabashedly selfish in this moment, the reason for such a feeling of content in my life right now is down to being fully aware that a chapter of life has closed today, and a new one opens tomorrow. The page break of life events that is this Sunday night is that same feeling you get between Christmas day and New years eve, where for those couple of hours, the world seems calm and at ease before turning over into a new year of experiencing the new good, the new bad, and indeed the new ugly.
Promotion in work, more money, less driving time, and away from 24/7 365 shift work is allowing me to reclaim life again. Don’t get me wrong, I am going to pine over not being able to work with those I have spent time with before because they were good people, honest people, and people I trusted fully, but this is a move I had to make for my own wellbeing. This move has allowed me to rekindle the social side of things, get back coaching and playing football properly, getting a proper diet and gym schedule back again, spend more time on the road with my motorbike, and even date properly now with the goal of finding that special woman.
I’m holding on to happiness with what I have and the prospect of what is coming, but if I know it to be fleeting as I shouldn’t be this happy when others have it so much worse. Understanding that, I want to use my time in this new chapter to help more people however I can, but for now I just want to embrace and enjoy this little win that is manifesting itself as Sunday night contentment. Right now I am like a hay field on a warm summers day watching the sun set to a golden hour hue with wood pigeons singing, grasshoppers chirping, and fireflies hovering lazily. It may be a while before I feel this way again.